Disclaimer: I’m writing this autobiography so everyone will stop guessing what I have been through, and so everyone will stop asking me about my life. From now on I’m just going to direct people to this website. I do not want your pity; I don’t want you thinking I need a hug, hell I don’t even want you to care. With that out of the way, on to the biography itself. This is the readers digest version, so don’t expect too much.
About the Bio: I’m putting in song lyrics as dividers so that if you get bored and just want to come back to it later, you can just find the lyrics and know where you left off. That, and they fit. None of the songs used as dividers are my songs I take no credit for them.
"Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry"
My story starts like many others. I was born a bastard into a lower-class home. My father was a jack of all traits, a do-it-yourselfer if you will. My mother (whom, as you read on, will learn I think very poorly of) was at stay at home mom (?). I have an older half brother Jeremy, and three half sisters that only visited in summer and on holidays. By the time I turned four I had a younger sister Destarte (who is my only whole sibling).
Around the time I was in first grade (the first time), my uncles (from my dad’s side) moved in with my family. My uncles moving in, in turn pissed off my mom to no end. Pissed her off enough to be done with my father. The night my mother left, Destarte and I were taking a bath. My parents were fighting in the living room and we could hear them, when things became heated enough my mom came into the bathroom and told me to get out of the tub and that I was leaving. This did not settle well with my dad he told me to go up to my room, so I did. After this point the arguments increased and both my parents approached me upstairs in my room, they asked me who I would like to go with …
… I made the choice to live with my dad, then I began to cry. I don’t know why I started to cry, hell I did not know I why I was crying then. Next, the police showed up at my house. By this time I was done crying. The police then asked me the same question: who I would like to live with? Again, I choose my dad. (If I had to guess a key time that started all the animosity between my mom and I, I would say this is that time).
Around this time I did a lot of growing up (for a seven year old), I learned to cook, and to do my own laundry; from that time on I did all my own laundry and cooked for myself (I liked it that way).
My mom ended up moving in with my best friends and their family, so visiting her at first was not such a bad thing. In that summer my friends and I would play and my mom and theirs would go to the bar at night (I did not know it, but this was the start of a very sad cycle for my mom).
Towards the end of that summer, my friends moved from the house with my mom to the U.P. (for those of your outside of Michigan, that is the Upper Peninsula). So it became harder and harder to visit with my mom. She got a new boyfriend (whom I still don’t like), and started drinking like a fish.
After summer ended I started first grade (again). This time it (or I) seemed different. I was a more open, rawer little kid (think it had something to do with being schooled in the art of bachelors). I quickly gained many friends and did well with my academics.
In second grade nothing really significant happened. My mother and I slipped further and further away from each other. From this time on my mother would give me beatings for sometimes no reason at all. Like once I told her I did not like her boyfriend and was spanked till I bled.
Third grade was a bad year for me; I had a great teacher I did not like. Third grade was also the firs year that I learned my dad had Hepatitis C… I also spent much of the year in the principals office.
Fourth grade was a mixed year for me; my friends moved back down from the U.P. a plus. I had my favorite teacher of all time, another plus. On the negative side, I had it smacked in my face by all my peers that I was lower-class. My dad being sick started to show more and more, the medication he was on always made him tired; so it was me pretty much taking care of myself and my little sister when she came around (not that I mind). Also a new sibling was added into the mix with my final little sister Patricia.
Fifth Grade was not better at all. I had a poor teacher, my so-called friends felt this need to shun me and to treat me like the piece of shit I am, so I hated showing up to school, as I had nothing to look forward to. My father was on new medication and it made his memory poor, so he told me I would have to start remembering things for him; I liked the idea of me being useful and being able to help my dad. I had no idea it would make my memory into what it is today (over worked and underpaid).
Sixth grade held many changes for me. I moved out of my house that I lived in my whole life; I also began middle school (junior high to some of you folks). I did not like middle school at all, the structure change from only having one teacher for seven years, then going to multiple teachers and not liking any of them. Around this time I began to skip school at least once every two weeks. I was also put into In School Suspension (I.S.S. to the "cool" kids) because a girl came up to me and was wanting to fight and I threw her ass into a locker (Note: I am no pro beating women but I am pro equal rights, and if a woman wants to hit like a man she had better be ready to be hit like a man). Sixth grade was also when I started drinking. One of my friends stopped by one day, and I’m not quite sure how the story goes, but the lines of the logic were something like this: "we should go to town/yeah but that’s a seven mile bike ride one way/ you're right we should get drunk too". So we ended up stealing a couple mini-bottles of various drinks from my roommates at the time. Then the adventure began (if you want to call it that). Well I could go off about my "funny" day but now that I look back on it it’s just sad.
"It's the beginning of the end
And I don't know where we lost control
It's the beginning of the end
And I know that I am all alone"
Seventh grade, for me, was riding my spiral to the end. At least that is what I was trying to do; see just how far down the spiral goes. I had a teacher that really cared for me (a big mistake on her part), and she informed me one day that I was passing her class with a B, at this time I decided "hell if I’m passing with a B I can lay off the work for a while and just take it easy" (a big mistake on my part). At this time I started my slacker brigade. I refused to do any work in any of my classes (I was a little shithead). Also I decided it would be great to just fuck with all my teachers, but for some reason the school did not like this. After a few weeks of being a shithead they decided they would start giving me points (ah the point system, points are given to students who misbehave and break school rules, acquiring x amount of points equals a punishment, punishments consist of such things as detentions, in school and out of school suspensions, and finally expulsion) for being a fuck up. Every time I would not do what a teacher would tell me, I would receive 3 points for insubordination. So I spent about one fourth of the school year in class and out, in In School Suspension.
My father became so ill while I was in seventh grade that he was unable to work, and my roommates at the time (who happened to be really good friends with my father, and were also responsible for the bills [my dad gave them money, they paid the bills]), decided that they wanted to move out of the house and not tell my dad in advance. This left my dad in a very tight spot. He had no idea that they were taking the money he was giving them and spending in on there grandchildren and not on the utilities like they should have been. So when they left, they left my father in a hell of a lot of debt, and on top of being sick and unable to work we were pretty well screwed. One month our power was shut off so I lived in my house with no power (it was not so bad really).
Around this time, my father decided it would be best if my brother moved in. This kind of hurt me. It made me feel like I was a failure and I could not do enough to help (I was only thirteen, now that I look back on it there was not much I could do). Now my brother and I get along fairly well if we don’t have to live with each other, once we are living with each other the fit hits the Shan...
Well at this point my academics are well… consistent to say the least. I’m failing all my classes and one night shortly after my brother moved it I was hit with reality; I knew my dad was going to die and I knew there was not a fucking thing in the world I could do about it. I started crying and I could not stop for the life of me. I cried for like two hours strait and I really scared my brother and my dad they kept asking me what was wrong but I could not tell them I just kept crying and crying. Shortly after that I was put on Zoloft (an anti-depressant or as I liked to call them "HAPPY PILLS!").
Eighth grade, for me, started right were I left off in seventh grade; I went in with a bad attitude and my slacker mentality, so instantly I was put into I.S.S. by all my teachers. So I only showed up to school to be sent to a room with other "trouble makers", and had nothing social in school at all. Around this time of my life my drinking had become out of control. Every weekend I was getting drunk and not thinking twice about it. In October my brother was staying at a friend's house and I was sick with pneumonia so my dad took me to the doctor's office. While at the doctor's office I told him that I could also use a trip to the dentist so we walked down the stars that linked the two buildings and set up in appointment. When we came walking back up the stairs my father became out of breath just at the perfect time for the nurse to call me in for my appointment; now this nurse, she was a smart one, and could tell by my fathers wheezing that all was not well and asked him if he would like to see a doctor too he said yes.
The next series of events I really can’t explain (but I’m gonna try for the hell of it anyway). I really did not have an appointment that day because I was so much more worried about my dad that they could not keep me in a room long enough to see how my meds were doing and such. They took X-rays of my dads lungs, and his lungs were filling up with fluids, as it turns out he had also gotten pneumonia. The doctor said that these things generally work their way around a house-hold and he had probably gotten it from me. They said that they were gonna send my father to the hospital the next town over and that I had better call someone or I’d be handed over to the state till they could find some place for me to stay. I had no options left… I had to call my mom. Before they took my dad away he told me to run and get a hold of my brother. So after my mom showed up to get me. I told her that I needed to talk to my brother she took me to see him and I told him what was up , then I was off to my next nightmare.
I only ended up staying a week at my mom's till my dad got out of the hospital but that week sucked she had to give me a ride two towns over, and she fucking acted like mother of the year for it.
Then I was back with my father and brother. About this time (give or take a few weeks) my brother and I decided we wanted to make our own wine, he wanted to make it because he was afraid of Y2K (really he was, no joke), and I wanted to make it to get drunk. So we got the shit to make it mixed it all up and started the fermenting phase of wine making.
Around this time I slipped deeper into my depression, I was sleeping something like 16 hours a day and not eating. And from here things only get worse...
It’s November and our wine is done fermenting. A girl on my bus tells me she can get some L.S.D. for me and bring it to school if I bring her some of the wine we made; this sounds like a reasonable deal to me, so that night while I was at the store I got a chocolate milk with it’s very own resalable container. While my father and brother went to church that night, I broke into our wine drank enough to get drunk then put the rest in the now empty chocolate container. The next morning when I woke up for school I grabbed the container and took it with me in the book bag. On the bus I bus I found the girl who was going to get me the acid and sat in front of her. I handed her the container then we got off the bus for school. I went to my "trouble maker" room for my first class then to math for my second class (I know I said I was kicked out of all of my classes but the teacher saw something in me, and he was pretty cool about it so he let me in his class, kind of ironic, I only worked alone in a little room while in his class too). Then I heard them call my name over the PA to go to the office. Thinking it could be anything but the wine, I went to the office. Ah when I got there the police were there. The pulled me into the Principal's office and asked me if I had ever seen the milk container I lied and said no. They then told me to take a seat out in the main office area. Then they started calling in witnesses. About this time I lost my cool and decided it would just be less of a pain in the ass if I just came clean about it then and there. So my dad was called and after a while he came and picked me up.
Now that I have an M.I.P. (Minor in possession of alcohol) I felt I was cool (the joys of being naïve). Now one of my friends who I will leave unnamed made a deal with me that if he tried getting drunk, I would have to try getting stoned (marijuana). Well he had indeed gotten drunk, and as a man of my word I decided I would try it. First time I tried, nothing. Now, I could write about all my failed attempts but I’m not going to do that.
"there's nothing left for me to hide.
i lost my ignorance, security and pride.
i'm all alone in a world you must despise.
i believed your promises, your promises and lies."
Around this time of my life, my father was in and out of the hospital just about every other week. Plus on top off all that, our asshole landlord (who also happened to be a friend of my father's from way back) decided he was going to evict us, in the middle of winter, knowing that my dad was sick. By this time my father was not able to walk on his own and he was always falling down, one night my brother and I were in the kitchen making some food and I heard a yelling, it was my dad he was calling for me. So I yelled at my brother and told him to come with me to our dad’s room and when we made it to him he had fallen out of his bed and he was unable to get up. This was one of the hardest things in the world for me to face, this is the moment when I stopped being a boy(note I did not say and became a man). I had seen the strongest man in my life, my father, fall and was so weak he could not pick himself up. Now this made things hard on all of us. My brother had about a month to find a place for everyone to live. The only problem was he could not find a place for all of us to live…
But before we moved, my father and brother had to go to a hospital down in Ann Arbor, and could not take me along, so they ended up leaving me with my mom again. I stayed with my mom and there was little conflict, only one problem, she was leaving the state for Florida. So about five days before Christmas I was dumped off at my friends’ house. There I waited and waited and was beginning to wonder if my dad and brother were gonna come fore me, then the day before Christmas they finally showed up to pick me up. And what a Christmas it was… See, with my dad out of work and having little money I told him not to worry about me and just let my little sister have a good Christmas, so that year I got nothing but I did not mind. My little sister got to be happy out of it; and let me tell you about Christmas dinner that year it was ham and potatoes (don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitching, I’m just stating).
Enough of Christmas on to New Years. Now as all of you know New Years is all about getting shit faced (or so I thought at the time). So my friends and I made plans to just party the night away. Well these things always look better on paper. The night started out alright (by my standards at the time) I was getting very drunk and stoned as well. But then my friends wanted to go to another party, however, only one minor problem for me, they say I can’t go because I’m too young. (Now there is a reason this is the last night ever I have gotten drunk, and that reason is that drinking and doing drugs ruins friendships). My friends of course chose to go the party and leave me at their house with their parents. But my friend the only one younger than me had to stay as well so not to fear we get to go to another party anyway. But I still felt very hurt about a party meaning more to my friends than me. Deep down I think that is why I quit such things.
Well after New Years when my mom came back from Florida, I was forced to go live with her. Now I was not made aware of this till they told me to pack my shit and dropped me. Now this holy pissed me off as I hate my mom. I remember saying things to my dad that day that I will never be forgiven for, and I doubt he forgave me. So here I am forced to live with my mom. Now it’s only a matter of time before this all blows up. Living with my mom means changing schools. Well shit on that school within two weeks I was kicked out.
"i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape"
The night that I broke: this is the night that all the stress that I have been keeping inside escaped and by escaped I mean it fucking exploded out of me. My little sisters had lice, and I was paranoid that I would get it too, so I kept treating my hair so I did not have to worry about the shit. Well one night I was talking to my mom and she made me a deal. She said that she would take me to buy some new pants (that I really needed) and take me to see my friends if I cleaned the side of the house I was staying on. Not dirtying the side of the house I was staying, I agreed, as it seemed like fair trade to me, two hours of work for some new cloths and a ride to my fix. Well my little sister Destarte and I cleaned the other side of the house and we told our mom that we were done. She then said that we would leave after the movie she was watching was over. So I went on the mission of treating my hair. I had ten more minutes before I could wash it out and my mom had the idea that she was gonna leave without me. This was total bullshit to me because I just spend two hours cleaning a mess I did not make as a deal to get some things I needed (as well as some things I did not). But she insisted on going without me anyway and rubbing it in my face that I would not be going. So as she was putting on her shoes I ran to her and I took one; I said to her "you can’t leave without your shoe, now just wait for me to wash this out" she retorted by saying "fine! I did not want to wear those shoes anyway". Well she can’t leave without the fucking keys now can she? So I ran and grabbed the keys and put them in my pocket. By this time it was the time to wash the shit out of my hair, so I went into the bathroom and I turned the tub on and just bent over to wash it out that way. Next thing I know my mom is pushing me into the wall telling me to give her the keys. I told her no, that she could wait, I was almost done. She then threatened to call the cops on me and left the bathroom. So I ran after her and shouted "fine you want the keys take them" then I threw the keys (not at her but boy it would make a better story if I had) and the damn things hit the wall (I just know they meant to) this of course broke the key she needed to leave. She then grabbed another set of keys to another car and went down to her other house to get yet another set of keys to run the first vehicle she wanted. Well after she did all of that she came back and called the police on me anyway. This is the part of the story were I go crazy. See my mom lives out in the middle of nowhere so this gave me plenty of time to undo the fine clean job I had done earlier (and then some). I went over to the side of house that I cleaned earlier and just tore the fucking place up. I dumped out toy bins, spilled milk, spilled juice, and spit on the floor, poured bleach on the floor, made a mess even on the ceiling.
After all this noise the police showed up and took my ass off to jail. When you're fourteen and end up in jail you know you have done something wrong with your life (or some things). After sitting three days in jail trying to read books with the pages ripped out and eating the lovely food I finally got to speak with another person, my future P.O. (probation officer you know for the MIP that I did not go to court for yet or have you stopped reading, if so I hate you) she asked me what happened and I explained. She then asked me if I had any place to stay and if I could live with my mom again, and I told her I liked jail more than living with my mom (and I do/did). She then asked if there was anyone else I could live with and I suggested my brother as a last resort; it was either that or become a ward of the state. My mom showed up around this time, again trying to be mother of the year she told me that she was dropping the charges of "domestic dispute" against me. I found this kind of funny as I would have gotten her ass in so much trouble if she tried going anywhere with the charges. My PO then got a hold of my brother and he said that I could move in with him; my father was once again down in Ann Arbor. So that day I moved in with my brother.
Shortly after moving in with my brother, he and our uncle went down to visit my dad in Ann Arbor. Once we made it down there, found the hospital and made it up to my dad I got to experience the worst thing of my life. My father was in his bed and he was on dialysis machine and had all sorts of tubes that I will never understand hooked up to him. He was barley coherent and just seemed a ghost of himself. We all talked about little things, we kept telling him that it was going to get better and that he was on the top of the list for a liver transplant. As we were all leaving I leaned to my dad and I told him that I love him. He just started back at me and said nothing, so me thinking he did not hear me repeated my self like three times and he did not say anything to me. He said goodbye to everyone else but he could not tell me he loved me (Note: before this he had told me he loved me he made it no secret). Like I said earlier I doubt he forgave me for the things I said. That was the last time I saw my dad alive.
After getting back from Ann Arbor I was put on probation for that M.I.P., and had to once again pack my stuff as I would be moving, again. (Fun little fact, in nine months I moved five times) I was given the option of living again with my mother or going to another place. At this point I was totally defeated and made the choice to try the other place.
The other place happened to be a rehab (treatment, foster care, whatever you want to call it they all mean the same things). Three days after I was put on probation I was sent to rehab. I was under the impression that I would only be there till my dad got better and came back home.
Six days after being in rehab, I was sitting in my new school, yet again working, when the person that ran the rehab came in and told me to come with him. On the car ride back to his house I asked him what this was all about he told me it was about my dad. Deep down I knew right then that my dad had died. I knew that I would never be forgiven for the horrible things I had said to him. I knew that I would never get closure and know if he still loved me. But still I lied to myself I told myself that maybe it was good news about my dad and that he called to let me know that the transplant went well and that I would be able to see him again soon. When we made it back to "the home"(as I will call it) my uncle that had taken my brother and I to see my dad, was parked in the driveway, he got out of his car and said to me the news I already knew in the back of my heart, that my dad had died. I just started crying I did not know what else to do, I wanted to go home, anywhere but where I was, but I could not leave. After my uncle left I ask if I could just sleep. He let me.
"I'd listen to the words he'd say
but in his voice I heard decay
the plastic face forced to portray
all the insides left cold and gray
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain
the sweetest price he'll have to pay
the day the whole world went away"
For a while it was uncertain if I would even be aloud to my father’s funeral, as the people who ran "the home" did not want me using drugs while I was out but drugs were the last thing on my mind while my uncle was telling me about how my father died. He said that they went to operate on him for the liver transplant and cut him open and they found that he was infected from the pneumonia that I had given him… So if I would not have gotten pneumonia and passed it on to my father he might still be alive today.
At my fathers funeral I saw a lot of people I knew. One of them was a friend of mine an older (older meaning 30ish) guy by the name of Chris who said that a few people were trying to get custody of me now that I had nowhere to live.
Back to rehab I go. Looking back on it, I’m really glad I had to do the rehab thing, because it sucked. It was the worst summer of my life. I had therapy five times a week; I lived with five other guys who had done much worse things that me. I went to A.A. meetings about six times a week, and everyday that it did not rain that summer I was out working in the yard; be it pulling up trees to make room for a septic field (yuck) or moving rocks for landscaping. I was always busy and I was never alone. The hardest part for me, however, is how little I got to see of my family. You would be surprised how much you love some people once you can’t see them. But I requested that I not see my mom, as I had no plans on living with her. So we focused on my brother, but he hardly showed up, and for two months no one came and saw me. It just really hurt me to see the other guys with their families when mine would not even come and see me. So after two months we decided to take my domestic situation elsewhere and I gave my friend Chris a call (I did not tell you about Chris before because I wanted to point out that you never know who you’re hero is going to be… if hero is the word you want to use for Chris). I asked him if he was serious about me living with him, and he said he was. We got plans moving from there.
Chris started showing up to the family meetings to show me support, and Charlie, the guy running "the home", had worked with Chris on another job, so that kind of helped things a bit. Seven months after being sent into rehab, I had finished it. I started living with Chris on October twenty-ninth 2000 and that is when my life, as most of you know it, begins.
"And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well"
I may have finished rehab, but I was not done with probation. Also, part of the Rehab was that I had to get a therapist and meet with him every week; I picked one of the therapists that had worked with me while I was in "the home" (Some redbull would help me write the rest of this). Another thing about completing the rehab, was that I had to do out-treatment, meaning that I had to come back to "the home" for a month so they could see my progress in the "outside world".
Day one of my newly found freedom was a crash course in how bad things can go. Chris lived a good nine miles out of town, so I had to catch the bus in the morning to go to the high school. At the high school, I had to board the public transit bus, and from there they would take me to the school I would be attending while doing my out-treatment (Ah, it looks so simple in text). The bus that picked me up at my house (Chris’s house) was one that I had rode before, so I knew the driver and many of the people on it, but what I had forgotten, was how slow the fucking bus driver was. I made it to the high school where I was going to board the public transit bus about ten to eight, so I waited around thinking they would show up at anytime. After about ten minutes of waiting, I decided that I would go to the high school office and see if they knew what was going on. I walked into the office and asked if the public transit bus was running late, they told me that I had missed it. Then something I really did not see coming hit me. The lady in the office started scolding me about how I only missed the bus because I was in the woods smoking. This is news to me considering that I have never smoked cigarettes in my life (pot yes, cigarettes no. Come on say it with me, "pot yes, cigarettes no" good); I try to explain to her that this is simply not the case and that my bus was running late, she is rude, so I decide to leave her be and call Chris. Now calling Chris is really the last thing I wanted to do, (he was working third shift and was just getting home from work as I was getting ready for school) I already begin to feel helpless and useless the last thing I wanted to do (and to this day is still the last thing I want to do) is burden Chris even more than he already is by me. Chris showed up at the high school, and I could tell he was unhappy. As he was giving me a ride to the school I was attending, I explained to him what had happened and that it was out of my control, I think he understood.
Finally, I make it to school. I get in and there is more news waiting for me, as it turns out Great Lakes(the school I was attending) wants to fuck me, they were cutting my P.E. class so that I could have more time to study. Now don’t get me wrong I hate P.E., but P.E. in Great Lakes was a hell of a lot easier than a public school and if I were to stay in P.E. in Great Lakes I would not have to take it once I transferred back over to E.J. I tried to use reason with them but they were not very interested in any of that stuff, so I ended up getting fucked. (Another fun thing about Great Lakes is how they had me doing work that was way to easy, way below my level and I never got anything wrong).The good news is, this is the worst day of my out treatment.
Well I made it a month without fucking up, so I was honorably discharged from "the home". Now I try to adjust to my new life.
I did not clearly explain what moving in with Chris meant. Living with Chris also means living with his, at the time, girlfriend who we will call "Dee", and her daughter who we shall call a whore, I mean Holly (Incase the whore comment did not give it away, I don’t like Holly in fact I loath Holly. I hate Holly more than I hate you. Believe me that is a lot because I really can’t stand you, why the fuck are you even here?). At the time I moved in with Chris he was living in a trailer, and being that I was the last (and most unexpected) person to move into the place, I got the worst room (If room is the word you so choose to use, here is an idea about how small this thing was, I would wake up in the morning and stretch and both of my hands would touch opposing walls).
Alright, to be fair, I’m going to give you a little more info on Holly so you can know what kind of person to expect in the bio to come. Holly is an only child, and as most of you know only children are selfish, attention demanding, little bitches. Now, one thing Holly did have going for her, and she knew it, was that she was very good looking. I’ll be the first to admit that she was an attractive girl (by girl I mean she was a month older than me), but don’t think for a moment that her outer shell could fool me.
Only a few eventful events happened my freshmen (ninth grade) year. For one, my best female friend who we shall call "Melody" started getting close, too close indeed. Anyone who has dated knows that the first rule of fight club is "Do not date your best friend"(now I don’t want any fight club fan boys telling me about how the first rule of fight club is "Do not talk about fight club" that is clearly the second rule), but I was young and naïve. Melody and I started dating just after new years. I thought all was going well till a dance came up. Now, I hate dancing, and at the time she was into them. I would have went but I lived nine miles out of town and did not have a ride (or care to look too hard for one, for that matter). While she was there she called me, her and another girl that I did not really know who we shall call "Krissie". Krissie was a girl that was in my sophomore history (yes, as a freshmen I had sophomore history). They both talked to me for a while then hung up. I thought nothing of it. The next day, however, Melody gave me a call and told me that people would say things about her in school that were just not true. I asked what things (most guys at this point would realize she was really trying to say, "hey I fucked up and cheated on you", but I was young and naïve) she did not really go into detail so I just figured I would have to find out for myself. Monday came around, and as I was walking into school to head to my locker, people began stopping me and telling me that Melody had cheated on me at the dance. The first couple of people I took this as hearsay, but more and more people were coming up to me people I know would not lie to me and telling me that she had cheated on me. Melody insisted that she did not cheat on me but broke up with my sorry ass anyway. I finally talked to Krissie about it, as Krissie was with her for most of the night. Krissie had indeed confirmed that Melody had cheated on me. Around this time I stopped talking to Melody, as I can stand being cheated on, but lied to just pisses me off. I washed my hands of her.
Other minor highlights are, my freshmen year I had a 4.0 (those of you that know anything know that is the highest GPA you can have, but I quickly pissed that away). I was put into ISS for calling the principle "pigheaded" to her face (hell my probation officer thought it was funny, guess the pigheaded bitch just did not get it). Also in my freshmen year I did everything in my power to try and make things better with my mom. I was trying to be an adult about things. My thought on it was that I had already lost one parent, why not try and make things right with the other? For a while things were going okay with my mom, I just had to let certain things be. Around spring break of my freshmen year, I went to my brother’s house to spend a couple of days hanging out with him. Those days were uneventful, but when Chris picked me up to give me a ride home, he told me that I would be moving into Holly’s room. I asked him if Holly had moved out, and he said, yeah kind of; he then went on to explain that Dee had left him without so much a note or anything. Sucks to be him but it works for me I finally get a room were I can’t touch the walls. Also, during spring break, my social security checks from my father’s death finally made it to my bank account. So I had seven thousand dollars to do what I wanted with. Chris suggested that I take out about two thousand and just buy everything I would need/want for a while. This indeed sounded like a good idea to me. In one day I spent two thousand dollars on various things, many of which I still have. Around this time I started getting e-mails from my older sister saying shit like, I should start using MSN messenger. Never hearing of it, I installed it on my computer. What a gateway the internet is….
"It seems funny to me.
How fucked things can be.
Every time I get ahead.
I feel more dead."
Around late May, early June of my freshmen year, I was talking to one of my friends on my bus about MSN, and a girl that was a grade below me seemed really interested in this. She said that she wanted to see what I was like in text form (what the fuck?), so I gave her my e-mail address and she added me. We began chatting for the next week or so, and then something went horribly wrong in her life.
Ashley is the girl I was talking to on msn, and I had been friends with her older brother for a few years before I started being friends with her. I also had class with her brother in my sophomore history class (as he was a grade above me). I was sitting on my computer, just playing Ever Quest (fucking game sucked me in for three years, I know I’m a loser for it, I have to live with the loss of my time, so don’t even fucking give me shit about it) when one of my friends, Juston (yeah he spelled it with an O) came in and asked me if I had talked to Ashley on MSN today, I said no, he told me that I should. I asked him what was up and he told me that her brother had gotten into a car crash and died. At first I thought it was a joke but then I noticed just how serious Juston was, I quickly left my game and signed on to MSN. To my surprise Ashley was on; not sure how to engage in a conversation with her, I played dumb like I had no information about her brother dying. I asked her how things were going, she informed me that they were indeed bad. I asked her why (remember playing dumb). She then told me that her brother had committed suicide. I’m not entirely sure what was said next but I’m pretty sure that I told her that I would be a friend in need if she so needed a friend like me. I told her I could help her out as I had similar experience with my dad dying.
The next couple of days, I began spending a lot of time at Ashley’s house (about a half mile down the road from my house). I went to Aaron’s funeral with her. Slowly, she and I started spending more and more time with each other.
But, first you have to read about some other stuff. A couple of days before school got over, one of my relatives died. No one I had ever met, so I did not consider it to much of a big deal, but I decided I would go to the funeral with my brother anyway, out of respect to my family and such. The day before my brother came and picked me up, I decided it would be in my best interest to stay up all night. This, however, is a big mistake, as my brother comes earlier than expect so after two hours of sleep I am awaken. Now, after I wake up, he informs me that I’m going to a city fifty miles away, with him, to get my tongue pierced. Now, any other day, with a good seven hours of sleep under my belt, I would have disagreed with this plan, but no sir, not today. I said fuck it, lets do it. Now, after arriving to the place where the piercing is going to take place, I’m a little bit more awake. I began to have doubts, wondering just how I came to such a place and why. After my brother talks to the people that will be doing the piercing I realize that there is no backing out at this point, and that I should just go forward with it(at this point in my life I have nothing pierced). I step into the room where they do the piercing. I’m handed a little cup of high powered mouth wash. I’m told to splash it around in my mouth for a minute. Seems simple enough, I think, and put the devil liquid in my mouth "the shit is this!?" I would have said if I did not have it in my mouth. It burnt like holy hell and my brother, being the fuck that he can be, began talking to the lady that handy me such a harsh fluid. As a direct result of him talking to her she lost track of time, and the fluid stayed in my mouth much longer than any human should have to suffer. I’m pretty sure that fluid will be the only thing to drink in hell. After this wretched, vile fluid is out of my mouth and in the sink, a clamp was put on my tongue, my tongue was marked with a marker, I’m told to breathe in, and I do. Then my tongue is pierced. My brother is impressed I did not say ouch or other such thing to imply something hurt me. The lady asked me how it feels. I’m an honest person, I tell her, "It feels like it does not belong", and she finds this the greatest thing in the world. My tired mind can’t cope, we leave.
The next day, I go the funeral, being that the funeral is also in the same town as my probation officer, I decide to stop in and see what’s up with her. This "plan" would have been much better thought out if I decided to not get my tongue pierced the day before seeing my P.O. (as your tongue tends to swell for a couple of days after it gets pierced, making the person who has just gotten their tongue pierced talk with a lisp and have an over abundance of saliva in their mouth at a given time) but fret not my readers, either I kept my cool well enough, or she did not care, but she informed me that I was now off probation. Fuck yeah, after eighteen months I finished it with not a single probation violation.
School is over, and with school being over, begins summer vacation. The year before had been my worst summer, to date, as I was in rehab, but I’m pretty sure this one is a very close second. If its one thing that I learned from this summer, it's girls are a pain in the ass. That summer, I think a total of ten girls wanted me at once (must have been something in the water, as I’m ugly and I’m rude as fuck to everyone). No, I will not tell the story of all the girls that wanted me this summer, as that would just make the story long(er) and (more) drawn out. That, and I did not find out until a few years later about some of the girls.
I started off the summer jaded and not really wanting to date, due to the whole Melody cheating on me thing. I would talk to Ashley on msn just about everyday, and about once every two weeks, some other girl would add me, just out of the blue. One night, around midnight, I was sitting on msn just chatting with whoever, then all of a sudden it pops up that some Krissie girl wants to add me to her msn list. I accept, and as it turns out, it’s the Krissie that I had class with, and just wanted to talk to me more (if I had been a little more smart, I would have realized she wanted to date me, but I was a stupid boy). So she and I talked, and she told me about how she was going to California to spend the summer with her mom. I did not think much of this, as I only talked with the girl while she was in class, and just left it at that.
I began to hang out with Ashley more and more, just about everyday. She and I would talk for hours, just about how life is shitty, and I was trying to be a shoulder for her to lean on. She and I continued to see each other everyday and everything was going well till one day I stopped by at Ashley’s house and a girl that wanted me was there. I thought this would be a good time to get to know the girl that wanted me (at this point of my life I cared about getting to know girls who were interested in me, ah the fool I was). So after arriving at Ashley’s for my daily visit, I sit down next to the girl that is interested in me and I began to flirt with her, but something goes wrong. I look over and notice Ashley is looking very down and depressed, so I decide to switch girls and try and cheer Ashley up. I go over to where Ashley is sitting, and I start messing around with her ( I did not think of it as flirting at the time but now that I look back on it, I guess most people would consider it just that). She got the idea that it would be much more fun if it were dark in her house, not in the mood to use logic, I agree. With the lights out, somehow Ashley and I began to wrestle, then after we are both done with this, we are leaning next to each other (at this point I have completely forgotten the girl who is interested in me, but to my luck she has not forgotten about me). Leaning next to each other, at the point, I realize we are cuddling (my mind cannot place how such a thing has happened with Ashley), I lean in for the kiss, and lo and behold, her mom is awake. Ashley’s mom thinks it would be a good idea if I left, we all agree she is right. I went home hoping to sleep this distorted night off.
The next morning, I wake and turn on my computer to find feed back. The girl who was interested in me, informs me she is upset and no longer interested in me, I don’t even try and fix this. Ashley informs me that she and I kissing would be bad, I strongly agree.
"In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind"
Around this time, I decided it would be best if I backed off for a little while, and just hung around at my house. One day I was sitting on my computer looking up useless information, when Krissie comes on msn. She is in California and wants to call me. This does not seem unreasonable to me, as I have nothing to do, and I’m bored. So she calls, and she and I get to talking (yeah we walked on the phone, what kind of heresy is this?). She explains to me, her then boyfriend at the time, (known to you peons as "Dustin") does not love her anymore (around this time, I should have realized she wants me, but I’m sixteen and more naïve than I am now). We talk for about an hour about various stuff, then I rid myself of the phone (for those of you that don’t know I loathe the phone). Also around this time (note this is years ago so if time line seems a little funny I’m just going by memory) I was talking to Ashley on msn, and she informs me that she is crying (side note, it’s around 11pm) it’s about her brother and she wants to see me. With nothing to do the following morning, I let her know I’ll be down in a few minutes. I show up at her house, and Ashley’s mom and one of her friends are sitting in the living room. I talk with them for a few minutes, I’m told Ashley is in her room on the phone crying. I inform the mom that I’m going to cheer up her daughter and walk into her (Ashley’s) room without even asking the mom if it’s okay (I later find out this is a big deal to the mother but she trust me and enjoys me, so all is well). [Writers note: Holy shit! I just taped a fly to a folder how badass] Ashley sees me and immediately gets off the phone, and before I know it I’m making her smile and stop crying, do not ask me how I did this as I don’t know just a gift (if gift is the word you so wish to use) I have. About an hour later everyone seems to be pretty happy with me, so happy, in fact, the parental unit offers to give me a ride home, bonus. At this point if I were smart, and knew myself better, I would have stopped hanging around Ashley. As you will soon find out I have a talent for ruining things I care about.
Somewhere down the line, Ashley and I did end up kissing, and kissing a bunch (If I get any emails saying that she is a whore or anything to that effect I will fucking murder you), and I began to like her a lot(she was my first crush). Only one problem she had feelings for Juston (remember him? Did not think so) also. Now I was in luck for a while as Juston was staying down state for some of the summer, so Ashley and I started getting closer, and closer. I don’t remember exactly how I laid ruins to what she and I had, but I know it had something to do with her liking Juston. I told her that it was unfair to me that she liked both of us and led me on, while she also had feelings for him. I told her she needed to decide on one of us. She could not. After about three weeks of such sparing, I decided it was going to make her choice for her, I was going to fold. I did not want to compete with one of my friends over a girl. I wanted her to be happy and not torn, so I quit hanging out with her alone but I still talked with her on msn…
Sometime around all this noise, I had my friend Tristan over at my house, and I was on my msn, and Krissie got online. Tristan and Krissie are friends so I informed him of her appearance, and then she starts in with how she just broke up with her boyfriend, and how unhappy she is, and other subtle hints I should have taken. Lucky for me, however, Tristan was there. He told me to ask her out (for me its still not clicking), my reply to this is "what?!" Tristan, with is final word on it "yeah, obviously she likes you, or she would not tell you this stuff." Without really thinking, I decide I’m going to ask her out. At first she tried playing it off like she was not interested in going out with me by saying things like "I just broke up with my boyfriend two days ago", at this point Tristan is talking for me and I’m just typing it "so?" , her "well I would feel bad if he found out I broke up with him then started going out with you two days later", me, "who is going to tell him, I don’t even know the kid or anyone that is friends with him". This more or less sold the idea to her and I started dating Krissie, I found this as a means to an end as I got to tell all the other girls that wanted me that I had a girlfriend, and they did not have to worry about wooing me anymore.
A few days after I started going out with Krissie, Ashley, group of friends, and I hung out for a while, after we were all done hanging out my friend "Ian" and I decided to walk them to the house they were going to (not a big stretch considering it was about a hundred yards away from my house), and as we started to say our good-byes after escorting them, I start just hitting on Ashley, joking around and everything, she gets it, no one else does. As we are walking back to my house, I notice a girl not from my school, or from my town for that matter, she appears to be about our age, so I holler to her "show us your tits!" to my surprise, this works. Interested in getting to know this girl better, my friend and I stop, and began to talk to her> I notice she wants me (Is this really how girls work? I ask myself, do they like assholes who demand and don’t ask.). I invite her to my house and she comes over for the night. We watched some movies, and then she took off back to her aunt's house, where she was staying for the summer, promising me I would see her again the next day. The next day rolls around, as they always do, and she did indeed show back up and somehow everyone who was at my house left. So with just me and the girl sitting in my house alone, without warning I look at her and ask "wanna go have sex?" thinking she will be able to tell I’m joking, and both of us will get a good laugh out of this and move on, I have nothing to lose, but again to my surprise she says yes. Now, this is not a Penthouse, so you are not going to get all the details, or any of them about the girl, so if that is what you’re looking for, I suggest you look elsewhere. So this is where I lose my virginity, I manage to go for about 3 min and cum (on a side note, this will be the longest I ever go).
Now before you start asking about Krissie, my girlfriend, and bitching at me about cheating on her, there is nothing you can say that I have not said to myself, but to tell the truth I don’t care. I know the best way to keep a secret is to tell no one, and that is what I wanted to do about this, however, I fucked up and ended up telling two people. The first person was Ashley, and I don’t know why I told her, maybe so I could rub it in her face. I don’t know I was a different person back then. The second person I told was Tristan, now this was a mistake on my part, but really, how well could I keep it from him when she would show up with him around and start kissing on me? I decided it would be best if I told him and trust in him not to tell Krissie.
This is around the time I started noticing something about girls. I was talking to the girl’s cousin, who she was staying with, and he was telling his little brother that she did not want to go back to Florida because she had finally met someone she loved. Little did I know, but this would be the basic outline for many of my relationships to come. But lucky for me, she went back to Florida. I promised I would stay in touch with her, but I knew that was a lie.
At this time I got dreadlocks (a note about dreadlocks, never let a stoner dread your hair. No matter how much he says he knows about it, he is still a stoner, and the first rule of fight club is "Do not let a stoner dread your hair") Also, Krissie came back from CA, and I was looking forward to starting school with her. The first day of school rolled around, and Krissie was not there. Baffled, I asked her sister where she was. As it turns out Krissie’s dad made Krissie go to another school because of her poor grades the past year. The ironic part of this, is that Krissie ended up going to school with my little sister Destarte. She tries talking me into going, but I know better than that shit. Like a week or two after school started, Krissie broke her dad down and was allowed to come back to EJ for school. Now, when Krissie came back, things were weird between us. It was like we were the opposite ends of a magnet. You just never saw us around each other, and we were always drifting apart from each other. Funny, I can read a girl that I’ve only known for about two minutes, and sleep with her, and not be able to talk to my girlfriend. After a few weeks of this eggshell walk, Krissie found it in her best interest to break up with me, and go back out with her ex Dustin. This left me jaded once again, not because we had broken up, but because I had failed at something (a relationship) that I longed to have. On a side note every time Krissie called "just trying to be friends" I played the songs Three points one four by the bloodhound gang, she obviously did not get it, as she kept calling.
Another thing that left me jaded was Chris and his ex started going back out again. Now, this would not bug me at all, but he did not even inform me that they were moving back in, they just moved back in, and I was left to figure it out on my own. Lucky for me, I’m a quick one, and as soon as all their shit was in the house and they started sleeping there I knew what was up.
On September tenth (note its 2001), I had gotten out of school and Holly wanted to go for a ride to pick up cigarettes. This sounded like no bad idea to me (if I only knew). We got in the truck, at the time neither Holly nor I had a driver’s license. Holly being the person she is wanted to drive. We were off on our journey, and we made it about five miles down the road when holly took a corner too fast, and was driving in the other lane and hit another car. Most people at this point, would have been hysterical, however, I was not feeling much of anything (back to being jaded). I just looked at all this and thought, wow it really did happen. I got out of the truck, at this point Holly is freaking out, and the driver of the car we hit is freaking out on me, because she thinks I was the driver (I happened to know both of the girls in the car, what a small world it is). A car passes us and Holly flags them down, she tells the driver we need a ride our house to get her mom, then yells at me to get in the car. I did not know it at the time, but I could have gotten into trouble for leaving the scene of the accident. We make it back to the house, and Holly is completely manic at this point, so her mom decides it's best to leave Holly at the house while we return to the scene of the crime. At the scene of the crime, we have quite the crowd gathered around (Dane Cook anyone?). Paramedics are there, they want to run tests on me, but more importantly they want to run tests on Holly, so we hop in the ambulance and head back to the house, yet again. On the way, they check my pulse and are surprised it has not raised over 80, they start asking me why I’m not more hyped up, and I decide its to hard to explain my jaded state and just don’t reply at all. We arrive at the house Dee calls Chris, who is at work. The paramedics put Holly in the back of the ambulance, and we are off once again. We make it back to the crash, yet again, and now there are police and firemen (I say men because they are just that, no ladies, no bitching, none. Don’t e-mail me about being politely correct). The police began to ask me questions about the crash, and I’m 100% honest with them, I have nothing to hide. They also start asking Holly questions. After I’m questioned for, a second time, Chris arrives and starts talking to me, but then, I’m again questioned. After all this noise, they feel they have enough information from me, and I’m free to go back to the house. Chris and I leave in one car, Holly and Dee in the other. On the ride back, Chris said something to me that I will never forget "This is the start of many bad days to come" (today being 9/10/01 he could not have been more right about anything in his life).
"Tell me why you want to be blind
I don't want to be normal like you
I know now every day
I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be normal too"
A few days after my car crash, I was sitting on my computer. My life had not changed a bit, then Nikki (I really hope you have not forgot about her) signed on to msn. She and I began to talk, and some how, we ended up on the subject of home coming. See, Nikki goes to a different school than me, so hers was like a week or two after mine. Then, she dropped me a hint I picked up (see I’m already getting smarter mwuahahahah), she said "see I would go to my homecoming but there are no guys from my school I want to go with." (with wording like that, anyone could have picked up on that I know) my reply to this was "I’ll go with you" (see the joy of msn is that if she was talking about someone else I could say I was just joking and save face), to my surprise, she was all for this idea. Now, most people would have known better than to get into this shit, but I’m a slow learner. I decided to go to their homecoming, I mean fuck it, what did I have to lose? It was just a few bitches from Charlevoix that I would never meet again if I so wished.
The night of the dance, Chris gave me a ride, and it took me like an hour to find this little shit hole where the dance would be taking place. After arriving at the dance, Nikki found me ("look for dreads" I told her), and I have to admit she was better looking than I thought she would be, but that is not saying much. Now I have been to dances, and social events held by the school before, but nothing could prepare me for this. Just about every kid that showed up to the dance(I’d say about 100, 150 or so) got out on the floor and danced to songs that just amazed me, such as, Kotten eye Joe, baby got back, etc etc. There was one song I did not even know, yet every kid in the place knew the dance moves to, this scared me. The night went okay, I’m sure things would have been more fun, had Krissie not shown up to the dance (see Nikki and Krissie were best friends years before either of them had heard of me).
I left this surreal dance, and on the way home, Chris started asking me all sorts of insane questions, about my time at the dance, how I met the girl. A couple days later one of my friends, who was easy, wanted to sleep with me. I decided I did not want any of that noise, and instead got on msn and began talking to Nikki about it. I quickly got Nikki to admit she wanted me, then asked her out. Now, when we started dating, it was already at three strikes. One: her dad was a pastor, me being an atheist. Strike two: Her dad was a police officer, me being just fresh out of law troubles (he looked up my record as soon as he heard about me, what a nice man). Strike Three: She had the same name as one of my sisters, and the first rule of fight club is "never date a girl who has the same name as one of your sisters".
Around thanksgiving, I tried making amends with my mom, yet again, as she told me that she had stopped drinking, and I was proud of her. She was long over due for such a change. I went to her house, and sure enough she was not drinking. If she was, she was hiding it really well, but I doubt she was. I spent the weekend at my mom's, already feeling myself start to heal. A couple weeks later, my Uncles from my dad's side show up, and want to see Destarte and I, so they pick me up, and then we go over to my mom's house, and to my surprise she was drinking. I was very hurt by this and angry. I had a whole spectrum of emotions I was feeling, and none of them were good. My Uncles were taking Destarte downstate and I had to get a ride with my mom and her boyfriend back to my house about 30 miles away. On the car ride home, they were not smart enough to let me brew in my own anger. They decided they wanted to push things. They started in on how I should really bring up my grades, because a girl like Nikki will never like a loser like me (their words), and how I’m ruining my life. I had heard enough, I snapped back "If I wanted the advice of a drunk I would go to the back." This ended the conversation until we made it to my driveway, then my mom, childishly, locked the car door, and told me she was not gonna let me leave till she had her say; in her drunken state she must have overlooked the fact that I can, indeed, unlock doors by myself and I was quickly out of this scene.
The only way that I was able to see Nikki every week, was by going to church. So I had to go, against my own religious feelings, to see my girlfriend, and people say I don’t work for anything. Now, I hate church, and for each time I went to church, I killed two Christians. I would normally not put any of this shit about the church in here, but there is one event that sticks out in my head that I must write about. One Sunday, while I was at church, I was looking around seeing if there were any upgrades from my current model of girlfriend (just because you have ordered does not mean you can’t browse the menu, just don’t get caught for the love of *insert your religious figure here*), and much to my surprise, there was. Enter Christa (remember this name). The first time I saw Christa, she was at this church, and I was just shocked as to how beautiful she was, she is, hands down, the most beautiful girl I have seen, to date. She was there with her brother Justin, who I was going to school with, and I just assumed that she was his girlfriend (its fun to assume), and he was here for the same reason I was, the woman. I did not approach her, as I did not really want to start flirting with a girl in church I did not know, in front of my girlfriend, and who I thought was her boyfriend, but I never did forget the beauty this girl had. I made a mental note of it. It's in my scrap book of memories if you will.
Nothing else too eventful happened for a while. Things settled down at my house. In winter my dog was hit by a car because someone (not me) was too fucking lazy to follow the rule they made up and let him out without being on the hook or anything. This, of course, saddened me, and reminded me that I was not allowed to love things like other people. Kind of sad, the last thing I loved was a dog. Four months into our relationship, and Nikki finally lost her virginity (I was in no hurry sex is over rated, as are virgins). She ended up telling her dad about us having sex, and he put her on the pill. He also wrote me a letter about our sexual activities. I wish I still had the letter so I could scan it and put it on here.
Come April, I was restless with school, and I dropped out. Now the story behind this is just bad calls on both sides, but I’m going to be fair and try and tell the story unbiased. The reason I was kicked out of school is because I had a hackie sack (ah the slacker pastime), me having it was not really the problem, me feeling the need to no do my school work and just fuck off, was. Monday, I was told to give my hack to the teacher. I told him I was not going to do that, as it was a gift from my girl friend, and I did not wish to part with it. He sent me to the office, were I was told not to let this happen again, and I was let off on a warning. Day two, I’m kicking outside of the class, before the class started, and the teacher feels yesterday was not enough, and wants to yell. Again, I end up in the office, and again, I’m not to let this happen. Day three, I’m kicking hack in another class, and a different teacher, who was not even teaching the class, shows up demands that I hand it over. I refuse, as I have permission from my current teacher to be slacking off, as I have already finished my work. This was unacceptable to the man, and he demanded I went to the office, again. At the office, they had just about enough of me, and my blatant insubordination. They told me I was going to be put in I.S.S. for two days. This set me off, as I have read the rule book, front to back, and I know just what should happen to me, detention at the most. I decided I was beyond this uphill battle of sticking it to the man for the day, and walked out of the office. I thought it would be in my best interest, to give Chris a call for a ride home. I call, no answer. It's time to do whatever I want. So I began walking around, doing whatever I want, just talking to random friends. When the assistant principal asked to speak with me again. He informed me that they had gotten a hold of Chris, and that Chris would be arriving soon, so all of us could straighten this out. Chris showed up, and was less than thrilled with the whole thing. That is not to say he was on my side, quite the contrary actually(I would soon learn that when it came to me fighting for my battles, I would always be alone, guess I’m just a lost cause). Both the principal and I explained our sides and stances of the story. Then, I was informed that I would be kicked out of school for two days, so no I.S.S., to this I said "If your going to kick me out over something so little for two days you should just expel me" They, in response, asked me if that is what I wanted. At this point, I was fed up with this, and I said yes. That is how I dropped out of school. Nikki took the news rather well. I think she liked the whole bad boy image, if she cant rebel herself, she sure as hell wanted a significant other that could (I’m just the man for her).
Over the summer, I perfected having sex in public places with Nikki (virgin slut). I could go into details about all the places we had sex, but really, who wants to read that kind of stuff, other than Ryan Peterson, the love of my life (ha fucker I told you I would write that).
Another thing that happened over the summer was a long over due event. See, I was pretty much at war with Holly and Dee. I guess they just did not like my slacker behavior (I don’t really see how I rubbed them the wrong way, I hardly left my room). But one day I had enough. Nikki was over, and at the time I still had feelings for her, also, at the time, she was still mostly a vegetarian (boy to I know how to choose them), we were ordering pizza. Holly, being the controlling bitch she is, decides that she can order the pizza and do just fine. Normally, I would have not problem with this, but I told Holly, multiple times, to make sure to just have a cheese pizza, so that Nikki could eat. Well, needless to say, Holly did not order a cheese pizza for my bitch, and I had enough of being shoved around like this. I got in her face about it, and started yelling. I must have been doing a pretty good job too, as Chris felt it was best to step in and call me off. This is where I felt it was in my best interest to leave the house. I mean nobody was on my side, and I had asked a simple request. I took of running; I lived about a mile from a river, so I decided I would run there till I cooled off. Little did I know it, but Nikki had followed me, so I sat and vented to her, and I told her that I was sick of being walked all over by everyone and how I don’t really deserve it. I told her that I planed on moving to my brother's or something (yeah I was that fed up with things). We ended up hanging around the river for three hours, and then I went back to Chris’ house. Chris pulled Nikki and I into his room, and we had a nice long talk. I told him that I was tired of all the shit they were doing to me, I told Chris all the shit he did not know about, like one time, Holly, her mom and I were gonna go to town to do some shopping and such, and I decided I would call shotgun (you know step outside my norm), this did not please Holly at all, and she said something very vile to me. That vile thing was "I hope you die and rot in hell with your dad". Now, most people would have gotten upset over this, and hit her, or yelled at her. Not me. I just hardened up inside (that is mostly how I deal with things). Or, how Holly would flip out over nothing at all. Take this story for example, I was hungry one day, and looking through our kitchen for something to eat, when I said "We could really use some crackers in this house". Then Holly said something to me that left me dumbfounded, "You had better not be thinking about eating cereal", me, "what?", her, "You better not be thinking about eating any cereal, my mom yelled at me one day for eating cereal all day, so you better not have any", me, "Well, I said we could really use some crackers in this house, but if I want to eat cereal I will". This set something off in Holly, and she stomped into the kitchen and threw the cereal on the floor and began stomping on it, the whole time yelling at me, I laughed all the way to my room. Anyway, back to the story at hand. I started telling Chris that I thought he knew, and then I told him that I was gonna leave. This was very hard for me and I began to cry ( I had once again been forced to move because things went south), I told Chris that it was not his fault, and that he was the closest thing to a dad I have (now I hate to admit this, but Chris really is the closest thing I have to a dad, he has done a lot of things for me, and I owe him my life for that, so, as much shit as I talk about him its all out of tough love relationship).
A few days later, after all this, Chris told me that he and I were moving, and that he was tired of the bitch (Dee) and her baggage (Holly). He told me to pack in secret, that he was not telling them we were moving. Over the next week or so, I packed up a good deal of my shit, and was ready to move. Chris took a few days off of work, and we moved most of our stuff in one day while Holly was doing her probation stuff and Dee was at her new boyfriend's or whatever. The beauty of all this was Holly was on tether and we took everything in the house that would help her not be bored. The next day, we got the rest of our stuff. The following day we were finished.
"And in a dream I'm a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly
and for once in my life I feel complete
and I still want to ruin it"
Now, I’m just about done with summer, and the novelty of Nikki is starting to wear off ("welcome off cloud nine, and welcome back to your shitty life, we missed you and you missed a lot"). Nikki and I began to have our feuds, and they always seem to be over the same thing. I don’t think she should let her dad control her so much, she says she has no choice. Looking back on it now, she was a daddy’s girl at heart, and there was nothing either of us could do about it.
Now, summer was over, and school started for everyone else. It was my plan do to some home schooling, as I was purely self-taught as is. So, everyday, I would get online, and look up home schooling stuff, but to my dismay I found nothing that really impressed Chris or I. I kept looking, and people I knew from school kept telling me about how much they missed me. One day, while on MSN, my friend Josh (Juston’s younger brother) and I got to talking, and he told me that school sucked without me in it, and that it was boring. This, for some reason, touched me. Alright, I’ll admit it, I missed school, really, I did. I missed the people, the faces, the social parts of it, even some of the teachers. So at that very moment, I told Chris I was going back to school the next day.
The next day, Chris and I showed up at the school, and they were happy to see that I had grown up a little, so I set up the classes I would be taking, and various other information needed, were I was living etc. We spent the rest of the day getting some shit around to prepare for school, shopping etc. The following day, I woke myself up, as I always had, and walked to school, note at the house we had moved to I now lived about two miles away from school. I did not know how long it would take me to get to school, so I woke up and left about an hour early. Apparently, I walk faster than I thought, as I arrive at school with a half hour to spare. I find a bench and sit, as my peers slowly start to arrive. At this point, I have told no one that I was coming back to school (not even Josh who put the idea in my head). My "friends" are all shocked that I had returned. Well, I greet everyone, then I head off to my first class, Spanish (now the class itself did very little for me, in fact the only thing Spanish did for me was make me want to swear in English). Once I arrived at class, I noticed two things right off the bat. Christa (the girl I told you to remember, I really hope you did or I’m coming to your house and kicking your ass, really, I ask for one simple thing, like remember a name, but can you do that? Noooo.) was in the class. At this very moment in time, I knew that Nikki and I were over, and that as long as this girl were around, I would want to be with her, but I put this in the back of my mind, as the next thing I noticed surprised me. There were only four guys (including me) in the class to the thirty some odd girls (most of them freshmen that I did not know). I decided to play it safe, and sit in the corner with the three other guys in the class. I knew none of them very well, but I decided that I could win them over with my winning personality sooner or later, if not fuck them. My first class was uneventful. On to my next class, journalism, I liked this class, it was short. I got paired up with a partner I knew very little about, his name was Richard, and he and I would later become friends.
Nothing too eventful happened for a while. I started winning over the males in my Spanish class, meanwhile, Christa and I had not said so much as a word to each other. In journalism, a few strange things happened. One, I was appointed the editor of a group of students. Most people would take this label with a smile, but I knew I was just the most responsible out of the other people in the group, and that is really saying something for them. Another strange thing that happened in journalism was, we would have debates in the class from time to time (I know nothing strange in that) and someone stood up to me in a debate. People never stand up to me in debates. I have this trait about me, where I can make my point, make you look stupid, belittle you, and just win over the crowd. Yet, here was this girl who felt like she was queen shit, enter Amanda. Me, being the nice guy I am, after the debate, I went over and talked with her, just to taunt her a little and see how she was doing, see seemed cool enough, so I began to spend time with her in class.
About this time, Nikki and I have reached our one year goal, and our relationship is in dire need of an end. The girl, about this time, starts doing some really stupid shit, example: I often stay up all night (as I have insomnia, don’t give me crap about how I don’t, it runs in my family and a good number of my family members are on medication for it), and when I finally went to sleep, a few hours later (two maybe) Nikki showed up. She must have gotten restless after laying in bed with me for a few hours, and mistook my morning wood with me being horny. She thinks it’s in her best interest to give me some oral pleasure. Before I’m even awake, she pulls down my boxers to my knees, and starts going to town. I wake up, and believe it or not, this is not what I want to wake up to. I mumble something at her and pull up my boxers and roll back over, she is not happy. I know that she and I are over; I’m only hoping that she will see eye to eye with me on this. It quickly becomes clear to me that I’m going to need to open her eyes…
The school quickly becomes unhappy with my work ethic (or lack thereof), and they offer up a solution; this solution is that everyday till I bring up my grades to passing, I sit in I.S.S. Keep in mind that I have not done a damn thing wrong this year, other than have poor grades. I don’t even really back talk my teachers. I protest, and say it’s absurd and that I’m not a distraction, or causing trouble. I’m told I have till the weekend to bring up my grades, or the punishment goes into effect. What do I do to this; do I bring up my grades like any sensible person would do? Nope, I call their bluff I don’t do shit, in fact I do less. So I’m called back into the office, and I’m questioned about my behavior. I explain to them that I really don’t have too much passion for my classes, but that I had, in fact, seen to it that I would be changed to classes I would like come the semester change. I promised to keep my cool, and not take away from anyone else’s learning as long as I was allowed in class. They agreed to this.
Somewhere in this timeframe, I start seeing more of Amanda, which is impressive, as I only have one forty minute class with her a day. She starts showing up to my art class to take pictures for her photography class. Now let me explain my art class to you, there was a total of five students in this class, and two of them were male, however, the other male in the class, Dan, is not in the class often, pretty much just leaving me, and two pretty good looking girls. The teacher, who is busy running around, getting other work done, and enjoying her much needed alone time, often leaves us alone. So here I am, in class, with two fairly good looking, good girls, and no supervision. What would you do? One day while he teacher was out, I was making my rounds in class, just making out with the girls (no joke, if you don’t believe me, that is too bad for you, but this kind of shit really does happen) when Amanda shows up with her camera. Now, Amanda is not a bad looking girl, pretty far from it really, and when she walked in to class, I got off the stool I was on, walked over to her, and said one thing, Kiss me (this is really a great way to break the ice with a girl, and it works more often than you would expect), to my surprise, she did (it does not always work and sometimes girls get upset, about seventy-five percent of the time it works). So Amanda and I had kissed, and I made note of this.
Now, its getting about time for the semester to end, when a few of my friends decide they are going to show up at my house so the ex, Melody, can get her hair braided by another friend of mine. I invite Amanda, as I consider her one of my friends. I’m pretty tired when my first guest arrives, it turns out to be Amanda. When she shows up, I start flirting with her, just to see what kind of girl she is outside of school. One things leads to another and before I know it we are having sex, and lots of it, about three hours' worth. After we are finally done, and I’m collapsed on her just sweating, and ready take a nap, she said something to me that I will never forget. What she said was "You have a really long…" now I’m just gonna pause here and explain what was going through my own head one thought "Oh yes!" till she said the word that would end her sentence "body."
(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! so close). The novelty of having sex with Amanda is has just worn off. I say to her, "That was almost the greatest thing a girl has ever said to me after sex". While we are getting our clothes back on, I say something about how it would be obvious to her friends if she showed up wearing my pants, and how it would be obvious to mine if she showed up, to this she replied "I’d like to see you try and get into my pants"(I cannot make this shit up). I just stared at her dumbfounded. I don’t even attempt to retort to this. She quickly leaves, as she has some friends she needs to meet up with, and I spend the rest of my day doing nothing. But I’m pretty happy the rest of my friends blew me off, as I got some great sex out of it.
"It's only this way falling on my own
I made this mess now its over
It was nobody's fault, it was all my own
Everything's wasted forever"
The next Monday in school, I saw Amanda, and I thought all was well with us, and for us it was. Amanda and I began talking, then she dropped a bombshell on me, she told me that she went to the hospital over the weekend, because she had a panic attack and she was all freaking out. I asked her why and what was wrong, she went on to tell me that she felt guilty for not feeling guilty about sleeping with me. What the fuck? She then explained herself more, about how she felt bad about not cheating on her boyfriend with me but for not feeling bad about it. This is so complex that to this day, I still don’t understand. I tell Amanda that is better off staying with her boyfriend. She tells me matter-of-factly that she plans on it, as her relationship is an investment to her, and she is not ready to give up on it yet.
About this time, I started my new classes, and I must admit I was very happy with them; I had two art classes, government, English, Biology, and to top it all off, first lunch everyday, oh it’s good to be me. For once in my high school enrollment, I decided that I would live up to my word of passing all my classes, as they were cool enough to give me some really sweet classes. I went the rest of the marking period with nothing too eventful happening, and as well as passing all my classes. This is only the eye of the storm...
As well as I did in my third marking period, I planed on doing even better in my fourth, but as life would have it, I would not be as relaxed as I was in my third.
The shit just hit the fan one week for me, I was talking to Nikki, and I decided that enough was enough; at this point she was talking about not going to college and just waiting for me to finish school. Now fucking up my own life is one thing, but the moment a girl is going to fuck up her life for me is enough. I had to draw the line, I cheated on her, I’d lied to her, I was a bad boyfriend, and yet she still wanted to hang on. Only a few problems, she was stubborn as all hell, and she and my mom become best friends. How they became good friends, I’m sure you’re asking. Well, at one point, my mom had about two months of sobriety, and I was proud of this, and I decided it was time that she met the girl I was dating for the last year or so. This would have been good if it were just left at handshakes, but as fate would have it, they decided to become an alliance that would determine what was best for me (Hell is other people.).
I had finally worked up the strength to break up with Nikki about a week before my life took a nosedive. The breakup itself went pretty well, as far as breakups go. I told her that I did not love her, and that I felt she was holding herself back by being with me, and that she more or less idolized me.
Then, about a week later, my mother and I got into it, as she still wanted to be friends with Nikki, and I felt this was total shit that she was picking one of my ex girlfriends over me. I went on to tell my mother that she was dead to me and not to call anymore, I had enough of her. Well after all this noise I was talking to my little sister Destarte and I was asking her how things were going with her, and she told me that my mom was trying the shit that she had done to my brother and I, on her sometimes, such as beating her and just belittling her as a person. So I told my sister to just stick it out, and make life hell for my mom. Later that night, I got a call, and on the caller I.D. it was my moms number and I picked up the phone yelled at the person on the other end that I never wanted to see them or talk to them again and to stop calling me, they were dead to me. Chris, whom I rarely tell when my life is going shitty, had no idea what was going on. Then a few seconds later I received another phone call from the same number. This time I picked it up and before I could begin yelling, I heard my little sister Destarte, and she was crying. She told me that my mom was beating on her, and that I had to do something. I freaked. I had no idea what I could do. It was like eleven at night, and I was not about to ask Chris to give me a ride to my sisters house to kidnap her. I did, however, ask Chris to give me a ride to Hippie's (my brother). On the ride there, Chris was wondering what was going on in my life, and why it seemed like I was at war with everyone, so I told him about how I had broke up with Nikki, and everything that was going on with my mother and I. Once we made it to my brother's, I walked up to his door and to my shock I realized he was not home. This was one of the shittiest feelings I have ever had. I knew that my little sister was in trouble, I knew that if I had paid attention to her sooner, she might not be in this mess, and I knew that there was nothing I could do to help the last person I loved. Once we made it back to my house I got on msn in vain hoping that my older sister Charity was on. Again, nothing. At this moment in time I wanted nothing more than to sleep my life way, I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and got ready for school, because I knew that if I stayed at home I would just brew on it all day, and that was not a good thing. I needed to get out and keep myself busy. My school day went fairly well till art class, when I was pulled out of the art room and sent to the office. At this time I had no idea what was going on. To my surprise, once I made it to the office, a woman from FIA (family independent agency) was there, and began asking me questions about everything, and I was just going nuts. I answered all her questions honestly; she gave me a card with her number on it, and a number I could use to contact my little sister at the house she was staying at. I made it out of the office, and I made it to the art class grabbed my shit and just left, did not say a word to anyone, just took off, if I stayed any longer that day, the first person to set me off would have wound up beaten and broken, and on a good day it does not take much to set me off, this was not a good day. I walked the two miles back to my house. When I arrived, Chris’ mom was there, as well as his sister. After about twenty minutes, they left, and Chris and I were ready to move our shit to the new house.
Now, to backtrack a little, Chris and I moved to the house we were in at this very moment in time, so that would could not only be away from his ex, but also so that we would have a cheaper place to stay till his grandma's house came up for sale. His grandma had died the previous October, and around April this time, the house was his. All we had to do was move. So with all my stress, piled up with the stress of moving, all is not well.
That night, Chris was taking a trip over without me for whatever reason, and I was just sitting in the house alone listening to my CD-player, when I heard a car pull up. I looked out and saw that it was Amanda. She came in and her and I began talking, and I told her what was up, and to tell the truth she was no help at all. She, more or less, told me that I should just suck it up and move on. Needless to say, I did not take this advice to heart.
Over the next couple of weeks in school, I started getting closer than I should have with this Liz girl. I don’t recall how her and I came as close as we did, but it went something along the lines of me telling her she should make out with me, and her believing it was true. Liz and I would make out just about everyday, and she would cut class just to see me to get some action. I did not take this to heart at all, to me she was just another girl. But I know that she ended up liking me, and she told me so. However, she also gave me some information that would prevent me from ever being with her. She told me one day, that she was upset with her friends, because one was just being rude to her and the other Christa (her again)who had just broken up with her boyfriend Johnny had said an offhanded remark to Liz about liking me (now I do not know if this remark is true but I don’t really know why Liz would tell me such a thing as it would only make things self-destructive for her), once I heard this news, I felt strangely energetic, manic even, for Christa. Immediately after this, I stopped being touchy with Liz.
Somewhere in this time frame, I was walking alone outside, just needing to be alone and one thing happened that cheered me up. Melody and I were, at this point, friends again, and good friends. She and I were walking, then she asked me an assured question "Are you ever going to sleep with Amanda, or just tease her like I tease you?", dumbfounded I replied "I’ve been sleeping with Amanda for months." Melody did not really know how to take this. She felt that, her being my best female friend, she should have heard about this sooner. My thought on it is, if you’re going to cheat; don’t tell a fucking soul.
"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again."
School ended shortly after, and Amanda and I began to hang out more. By hang out more, I mean we started to have more sex with each other, and by this time she had broken up with her boyfriend as well. Amanda and I were all about sex. We would have sex for about three to seven hours a day. (It’s summer we had no jobs and nothing better to do.)I started spending the night at Amanda’s house. Things were pretty well, but also, a little surreal at the same time. She would always say the most random shit to me while we were about to have sex, or having sex, or after having sex. Here are here greatest hits. "What’s a hummer?" at the time she was, indeed, giving me head and stopped to ask. "What’s a dingle berry?" and quite possibly the most ego destroying, "I’m bored". Tough luck bitch, you’re the one on top doing all the work, if your bored fix it don’t bitch.
I started to notice Amanda was a few cans short of a six pack. Once, she decided that it was in our best interest to go to a town fifty miles away. Me, thinking that she would not want to go on such a road trip without a plan, quickly agreed and was very disappointed when I arrived, and realized she wanted nothing from this wretched town. However, I ignored these warning signs of her being bipolar, and more than a little off kilter, and asked her out anyway. (I could write a book on ways to ruin your life.) For the first couple of months things went fairly well. We were just like we were before, just all about the sex. None of this caring about each other crap (or so I thought). Three weeks after Amanda and I started going out, we headed downstate to go to some concerts I had bought tickets for, Ozzfest and Lollapalooza. The shows were, indeed, badass, and as much as I hate to admit it, Lollapalooza was better than Ozzfest that year.
A week after the concerts, I was just hanging out at my house, when out of the blue, Chris comes up to my room and tells me I have company. I thought it was Amanda just dropping in to say hello or something, so I headed downstairs, and then who did I see but none other than my ex Nikki. And the girl came packing (no not a gun, worse). She did not start off with a hello, like normal people do, oh no she started off with "Did you sleep with any other girls while we were dating?" Now this was the fastest, I think, I have ever seen Chris leave a room, poof he was gone. I felt trapped in a corner, so I lied I told her no, that I had not slept with anyone else. She then went on to tell me that she had Human Papillomavirus (HPV to the rest of humanity that does not feel the need to draw attention to themselves by using the full name of it), she then goes on to tell me, that it might mutate into cancer, and she could become sterile from this. I was in shock. I mean, sure, I hated the girl, but I did not want to see her in pain. Hell, I did not want to see her at all. She and I sat and talked for about a half hour or so, and she went into detail about how she started drinking and doing drugs after she broke up with me, and about how she graduated second in her class, and how miserable her life had become.
After she left I had to get the hell out of there. Amanda showed up and her and I started walking to her house (about two to three blocks away from mine), and as soon as I made it out the door I told her that she needed to get tested because Nikki had some shit. (At this time I had no idea what Human Papillomavirus was, and I had forgot the name). Amanda agreed, and she and I were on edge for a little while after this. Five days after Amanda got this news, she and I had a big fight. She did something to me that was very wrong and knew it was wrong (e-mail me if you really want to know, otherwise I’m not sharing). So I ended up leaving her house and coming back to mine to sleep. The next morning, she came and woke me up to take me to planned parenthood with her.
At planned parenthood they did the test for Amanda, then started asking what they should be looking for, and the lady started naming off all sorts of things, till finally she said Human Papillomavirus, then it clicked with me and I said that that was it. The lady went on to say a lot of things about it, but I was too pissed with Amanda to really pay attention. After all this, Amanda and I did not try and fix our problem like most people would have, instead we just covered it up and moved on hoping it was behind us.
The rest of the summer was pretty uneventful. School started, and on the first day of school I was talking to my friend Aaron, before it started, and I told him it would be funny if I were to dress in like a suit and tie and just show up like that. He talked me into going into my plan, and that was my wardrobe for the day, good times. On the first day of school I eyed a girl who was new to the school. She had long black hair, and was very good looking. Me, being the true romantic I am, the first thing I said to this girl as she past me was "Whore!" She gave me a look of shock and quickly left my vicinity. (The reason I did this is because I don’t like to pussy foot around with people, and just waste air on the get to know your limits shit, oh sir not me if you can’t take a joke like me calling you a whore chances are you and I would not become friends).
The next day was funny, because I ended up having government with the girl, and due to the assigned seating in the class, she sat a seat behind me, and one seat to my right. (Hell is other people). I learned that her name was Krista. The class went to the media center to do some research, and when we got there, Krista ended up talking to me a lot, like she really wanted to be friends with me for some odd reason. So I talked and charmed her, as only I know how, and she turned out to be pretty cool. I was impressed, and happy that I only needed to call her a whore to become friends with her. Krista was a breath of fresh air to me, as my last two relationships (counting Amanda) were just shitty. (Keep in mind I’m still dating Amanda). Over the next couple of days Krista and I became close, closer than I have ever become with anyone in such a short amount of time. I really feel for Krista and I knew that I needed to break up with Amanda in order to go out with her, so I began to think of the best way to break up with Amanda. But, to my dismay, there are no good ways. They don’t make cards for such things ("Surprise you’re dumped! I found someone better, here’s a twenty"). They don’t have classes on such things (all though they should). Hell they don’t even have self help books for such things. So I was biding my time, waiting for Amanda and I to get into a fight, so I could say that I was fed up with it, and did not want to date her anymore. But as fate would have it, I was not the only guy interested in dating Krista, and a friend of mine asked her out, and she said yes. This really crushed me. I knew that she would be a great person for me to date, and I know I would be happy. I did not tell her how I felt as I would much rather have a girl be happy with someone else than me be happy with them. I wished them the best of luck, and went for a walk.
I decided that I would just stay with Amanda, as it seemed to keep her happy. For a while, things were going well with us, until I realized just how bipolar her ass was. One weekend, my friend Aaron was throwing a mellow party at his house, and I was invited, as was Amanda. The thing is, Amanda had already made plans to hang out with a kid from another town who she admitted to me, before, wanted her. This did not bug me, as I would just hang out with my friends until she was done with them, then she could come over. Well, things are always smoother in the planning of them. My friends were pretty fed up with Amanda and her "I can just leave" behavior (see every time someone would say something, just teasing Amanda, she would break out "I could just leave", like we needed her there, and it was a blessing). So my friends decided that she should not show up, and I went with the mob rule. By the way, Krista and her boyfriend were there. After we were done hanging out at Aaron's, we decided it would be best to head to Richard's, and just hang out there for a while. We made it there, and we were all having a good time just enjoying ourselves, when my bipolar insignificant other showed up, and things just went downhill. Amanda asked to speak with me alone, and I did not want to have a scene in front of my friends, so I agreed. She and I began fighting right off the bat, and she started yelling at me about how I had blown her off to hang out with my friends. My retort was that she had done the same thing only with a kid that wanted to date her, so she should not make that big of a deal out of it. This went on for about five to ten minutes, when I had enough and was ready to leave. I went and found Richard, told him to just get my DVDs back to me on Monday when school started; he asked if I were leaving and I told him that I was indeed leaving, and walking home (Richard lives about seven miles away from my house). He tried talking me out of this, but I was not very interested in what anyone had to say, so I just turned around and left. I started walking down his driveway towards the road, when Melody and Krista pulled up next to me, and told me that they would not let me walk all the way to my house in the dark. After about five minutes of arguing with them about it, I decided to give up and just accept the ride. The ride home Melody went off about how I should not let her ruin my life, and how I can do better than her, and that people really care about me, and a few other lies.
Once I made it home, I started to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off of things. Then Amanda showed up, ready to fight some more (round two). Round two was just like round one. Same arguments, same points made on both sides, but this was not enough for Amanda. She decided she wanted to make it a physical fight (and as much as I promote violence I don’t hit people myself). Amanda shoved me and that was it for me; I told her to fuck off, and that she had better leave. She did.
The next Monday, Krista was really friendly to me, and was telling me about how much she really cared about me, and how she did not realize how bad I had it with Amanda, and went on and on about how she wishes things were better for me. Also, on the Monday, I decided it would be in my best interest if I broke up with crazy, she took it pretty well, and she and I remained friends, and remained sleeping with each other. Three weeks after all this noise, I made, again, the mistake of asking Amanda out (at this point I deserve the worst that is yet to come).
"Many things that I regret
But I'll take what I can get
Even though I know it might
Break me"
For a while, things were looking good for Amanda and I. Before long, it was boarding season, and I started snowboarding a lot with my friends and Hippy. She had her job, and she had classes. Things were going well for me in school for a while too, till about February. In February, I bought Krista and Christa Flowers for Valentine's Day, one each damn things were expensive. Also, in February, I realized that not a damn person in the school really cared about me. I was invisible, and only had friends when I was doing something funny that would make everyone one laugh; well fuck them I’m no one's clown. I stopped showing up to school. I could not take it, there were people I really cared about in school, but being around them only made me feel dead inside, and I figured that they would still talk to me and want to be friends with me even if I were out of school. To my surprise, none, and I mean none of my friends from school called me after I dropped out. I would call Krista some times, but she was always too busy to talk to me, or never home, I even made plans to hang out with her, but I guess it’s better to blow me off than to hang out with me.
In April, it was planned that I was gonna go to Florida with Amanda and her family for spring break. So, I made plans with Hippy, Destarte, BJ, and Chris (the only people in the world I really care about at this point) to hang out the night before I took off. Amanda decided that she would come along with us, and just have her friends meet up with us at one of the places we were gonna stop at along the way. We started off with all of us but Chris, as Chris had to work or something. We went and ate at Big Boy and connected to this Big Boy was a put-put golf course. We decided that it would be something fun for all of us to do. The first couple of holes we were all playing by the rules but towards the middle, we just started going manic on the golf course, having a good time, disregarding all the rules of golf. About the seventh hole, I noticed that Amanda was being a killjoy and just hell bent on ruining the mood. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was because we were not following the rules. This kind of got to me, as I had paid for the game, and it was not really up to her to tell us how to have fun; but not wanting to make a scene in front of everyone I care about, I decided that I would let it go. Next stop was a bowling alley. At the bowling alley, Chris finally showed up, and we started playing pool to get all of us doing something. I don’t really remember what happened next, but something set Amanda off, she threw her pool stick down and told me that when the time for us was up with the pool balls, to let her know, so she can get her I.D. back (at the bowling alley you have to give your I.D. and six bucks in order to rent out the pool table for an hour). I had enough of Amanda and her fucking sulky games. I decided that I was going to return the pool balls at that very moment, and get Amanda the fuck away from everyone. I went up to return the balls, and Amanda began to protest telling me that it was pointless to return them with so much time left, my reply was this: "I’m not paying for another hour, I’m paying to get you to leave". I think that was the meanest thing I have ever said to Amanda. For the rest of the time we were at the bowling alley, Amanda and my group of friends avoided each other like the plague. Her friends showed up about a half hour before we left. I knew that from this night on I could not date Amanda anymore. That night I left with them for Florida, and spent the next two weeks with them there, just hitting up the sites and such, but always in the back of my mind was how I am going to break up with Amanda.
A week or so after we made it back from Florida, I let Amanda know that it was over. I told her that she was just too fucked up for me to date, and that what she did to me was wrong, and she had no right to freak out like that in front of the only people I had in the world. She took it fairly well, as good as a person could take a breakup I guess.
Don’t fret kids, we are close to being done.
"If you leave me now i wonder what would happen to my world
Your just a never healing sore…beating me"
In May, one of the most surreal nights of my life happened. Amanda’s brother was in the school play, as were some of my friends. I decided I would show up and support them (not to mention Amanda’s mom got me a ticket). Normally, I’m not the play type of guy. We showed up about forty-five minutes early so that we could talk with the cast and such. When we left the cast to find our seats, to my surprise, we had the best seats in the house front and center, right next to the center seat is a lady that neither of us know; Amanda, being the anti-social person she is, gives me the ticket to sit next to her. I have no problem with this, provided the lady can handle my rude comments. The play begins, and its as lame as school plays get. I start saying off the wall comments, and making fun of the play mystery science theater 3000 style. The lady next to me seems to be enjoying me, this works out fairly well. Towards the middle of the play, we begin talking about who would make better lead than the people who are currently the leads. I tell her my two picks for the leads, she agrees with me on the male lead, but tells me that she thinks her daughter would make a better female lead; me, not really caring who her daughter is, did not ask, because I hate it when people go on and on about their kids. As the cast is talking about how great of a time they had, and they are doing their bows and everything, the lady leans over to me and asks, "would you like to know who my daughter is now?" and not to be rude I say I would. She then points out that she is the girl standing behind the king in white (This cannot be happening). The girl she happened to point out was Christa. I had no idea what to do that this point. At one point I tell Christa’s mom "Well at least you like me, her step mom does not", she got a laugh out of this, and asked why. Rather than explain that I was an asshole to the step mom on msn one day, I decided I would play it safe and said "I don’t know, but Christa does not really like me either". She gasps at this, she seemed really shocked that her little girl could hate someone. She then asked me a question that I had not expected "were you the boy that was going to go with us on the picnic?" I was indeed, and I told her so. Then, she went on to tell me that Christa really cares about me, and that she is afraid to fall in love with someone, and that if I just give it time Christa will come around to me, and all sorts of things to this effect. Keep in mind that Amanda is sitting next to me this whole time, and that Amanda has the false hope that we are going to go back out. Finally, after the play was completely done, Christa’s mom and I got up and hugged (this must have really made Amanda wonder, as, well, this is not a reaction strangers ever get from me, most of the time we part with dirty looks and profanity). After all this noise, the mother figure asked Christa and I to stand next to each other for a picture, and I do, then I had to get the hell out of there, this was too much for me. I made it home that night, and typed up the whole experience, and how I felt about Christa, I was going to e-mail it to her, but I was quickly brought down off of cloud nine by either Christa’s friend Bridget or Christa herself.
Summer arrives like it always does. In June, I started work on my GED, and even got BJ to apply himself and talked him into it with me. Things were pretty mellow till July, when I went to a friends house for a party, and Liz was there. I ended up flirting with her (I’m a single man I can do these things) and then Amanda showed up, and Liz sat on my lap, Amanda freaked out. I tried telling Liz that Amanda and I were not dating, but she insisted that she was afraid of Amanda and her anger streak nonetheless. Also, on this night, Amanda became very ill, and started puking all over the goddamn place, and I, being the only person who was semi-friends with her, had to give her a ride home. Yet, I remain friends with her, I’m just a Glutton for punishment. Amanda and I were keeping our space, yet still being friends and hanging out and every once in a while we would sleep with each other.
In mid July, Amanda’s cousin Alicia came down. Alicia and I became friends and we would hang out with each other. This sparked a fire in Amanda, that made her make life for Alicia and I hell, she whined to her mom that Alicia and I were spending time with each other alone, for the love of god, and a rule quickly followed that Alicia and I could not hang out with each other alone. The irony of this rule is that if I were to sleep with Alicia with my friends around, my friends would lie for me, so I don’t quite see how this was meant to detour a physical attraction. Needless to say Alicia and I did not sleep with each other, she was fifteen, and something about going to jail for sex really made me avoid giving her anything more than a hug.
In August, a few more things happen (highlight yes but don’t underline them). Alicia and her older sister came down, as well as the sister’s boyfriend, and Alicia's friend. See, what they said they came down for was Brian, Alicia's brother (who I have grown to dislike), but what they really came down for was drugs. I’m a strait edge, and I’m sure some of you know who are reading this, I myself don’t drink or do drugs, hell I even try to avoid painkillers and caffeine, but I decided I would help them out. After all, they had a three hour trip behind them, and another ahead of them. The way it happened was this, we all greeted each other in Amanda’s living room, then Alicia said to me "they want to talk to you outside, step into our office". They told me what was going on and without telling anyone else, we hit the road. When we made it to one of my friend's house, who will be left nameless for this part of the story. I told my friend that he was not going to believe my request, but he did, and got a laugh out of it. We set off on the world in search of one thing, pot (Is this what my life has become? I don’t do drugs yet I still look for them). Finally, after a few stops, we found a seller. They told us to get lost for a half hour while they went and bought it. We went to a spot in the woods, not far from the person getting it for us, and waited. At this time, there are six people in a five person car. When it came time to leave, I said I would walk, as I knew a short cut in the woods that would take me right to the house. I started walking to the house alone, when I heard someone following me, it was Alicia, so we walked to the house we were all gonna meet up at, and to my surprise we beat the carload of people there. When they showed up they explained that they ran into Amanda and Brian, and they were pissed, and that we should go back to Amanda’s ASAP. We, however, ignored this and they got high, then finally, we were heading back to Amanda’s, and we saw that crazy bitch coming towards my friend's house. They dropped me off, and Amanda picked me up, and she was pissed. She was upset that we would not include her in the already crowded car to buy drugs. I tried to use logic with her, and say it does not make sense, she would want to be included in such a thing, but she wants none of that, then we made it back to her house. At the house, Amanda’s mom was in a holy rage about the whole thing. She was pissed at everyone, I decided it would just be best if I left. Amanda and I worked things out again.
Also in August, I went to the Otep/Hatebreed concert. A week before I went to the concert, I was talking to Aimee (back story on Aimee is as follows; Aimee and I met through Krista and we only talked on msn for the longest time, Aimee likes assholes I told her I’m the guy for her. We would always talk about how we should met but as we lived pretty busy lives it was likely never to happen), and she said that her dad was taking off to Florida, and that her and I could hang out in the time he was gone. This sounded like a good plan to me, and we decided that the Saturday after the concert would be the best day for us to hang out.
Before we went to the concert, we picked up some Jones Soda, and looked under our caps, and underneath mine it simply said "hide for a few days" being that I planed on spending the rest of the weekend with Aimee this did not seem unreasonable, and I told everyone that was with me not to fucking bug me for the rest of the weekend as I was in hiding. Amanda, being the girl she is, refused to leave it at this, and kept asking me why she had to leave me alone(people always want the truth till you give it to them), I knew that she would not like the answer I had to give so I did not tell her anything. You can read the review of the concert on my site so I feel no need to tell you about it here.
Saturday came, and Aimee and I began playing phone tag back and forth, till she ended up getting me around four in the afternoon. To tell the truth, I was not sure as to what to expect when I met Aimee, but I started off fucking up. I ended up getting into the car, and breaking the dog bed that they took for the dog on car rides, but I’m one to fuck up, and be graceful and fix it, so it went over fairly well. We made it to her house, and to my surprise they had horses. I just did not expect to see such a thing at this self proclaimed party girl's house. I hung out with Aimee for the rest of that day and part of the next. I could go into detail, but I don’t want to. That is between her and I. Well that pretty much sums up my bio to this point. Next, I will do the aftermath/overview.
"Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
I’m just learning how to smile
That’s not easy to do"
The aftermath: Well, it would seem I have been through a lot of shit wouldn’t it? But I would not trade my life for anything, that does not mean I’m happy with who I am, or that I’m happy with how my life turned out, and if you asking if I could go back in change things, hell yeah I would, but I can't, so I’m just living with what I have. Amanda and I are still friends believe it or not. Krista and I have not talked in about a month. Christa and I talk every once in a while on msn. She tells me I can call her anytime I want, but at this point, I’ll just leave well enough alone. All the "friends" I had in high school no longer talk to me. I’m still very much single, but not really looking, as I feel that I’m the worst guy in the world (next to tucker max) to date. Yeah, I’m kind of let down that I did not get to date Krista/Christa, but in another way, I’m very happy for them, as I know I would only hurt them in the end, and I would prefer for me to be in pain everyday over something I can never have verses them being in pain over me. Everyday life is hard for me but rumor has it, its hard for everyone, its called the real world. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from leaving it all behind or ending it all, is my little sister, cheesy as it may sound, I don’t want to leave till I know she is going to be alright. My hope for the future is that I’ll be able to wake up someday, and just leave everyone behind. No goodbye nothing, just me walking out the door and leaving, as of right now that is my only dream. Well, thanks for reading it, provided you did read it, and not just skipped your way to the bottom to this; if that is the case you should die. Just email me sometime if you want to know more, my e-mail is in the contact page.
© 2004 Joshua Loveless. All rights reserved.
